You Do Make a Difference

Not too long ago, I had the opportunity to speak to 90+ Head Start administrators, teachers and assistants.

The person who invited me said, “Our staff do so much to help the children and their families and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Right now, I think they are exhausted.”

On the day of the event and right before heading to the lectern one of the organizers told me, “Last year we had an Elvis impersonator.”

Uh oh, I had taken a more serious approach to this assignment. Sure they would laugh some, but there would be no dancing, costumes and definitely no singing! I planned to lead them to inspiration by sharing hardship stories…mostly with happy endings.

I started by announcing I was no Elvis.

Well at least that got a good laugh.

And then I launched into my stories. One of the main points was to remind them they make a difference in the lives of children and families.

More times than not they will never know how much they impacted a child or her family. Remember George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life? George didn’t understand how valuable his life had been until Clarence Odbody, his guardian angel, granted him his wish.

“I wish I had never been born,” George said.

And with one snap of the fingers George’s life was erased and many other lives were changed.

His hometown of Bedford Falls became Pottersville named after a greedy old man named Potter.

The local pharmacist Dr. Gowder spent 20 years in prison for poisoning a child because George didn’t stop him. And his Navy pilot brother Harry did not shoot down the two Kamikazes who attacked a Navy transport and killed all men on board.

You get the picture. I wanted to make sure that the staffers from Head Start did too. So many times the good work you do, the kindness you spread will never be known by you.

You will not necessarily be told how uplifting it is to see your smile or that your kind words made someone feel better. You may never know that your example, your touch, your words stayed with someone and inspired them. You may never know this also impacted or will impact generations of people to come.

One of the contributors of Simple Truths tells of the story of a seminar participant who was so moved by her encouragement to tell those who inspired you how much you appreciated them, he vowed to find his 8th grade literature teacher.

After locating her address he sent a heartfelt letter stating how much he appreciated her. A week later his favorite teacher wrote him back.

She said, “You will never know how much your letter meant to me.” She also told him she was 83 years of age and that her family and friends were all gone. She said, “I taught for 50 years and yours is the first thank you letter I have ever gotten from a student. Sometimes I wonder what I did with my life. I will read and reread your letter till the day I die.”

When the student reported back to the workshop leader he said he was so surprised that she didn’t know how valuable she had been. He said things like, “She’s the one we talk about at reunions. She was our favorite teacher.”

At the end of my talk, I couldn’t help but bring up Elvis again. “So how did I compare to last year’s featured entertainer?” Several on the front shook their heads and a few mouthed consoling words: “Don’t worry.” “Wasn’t that good.” “You had nothing to worry about.”

Sorry Elvis. Back to the point…thank someone who has touched your life.

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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The Things We Do

I can see it now. One hundred years into the future, there will be a woman who decides to write about the tortures women of the early 21st century endured.

She would be writing about what they did. "They literally punched holes in odd places. They punched holes in their earlobes. Not only this, needles were used. How crazy is that?"

She would also report that she discovered pictures of women with bellybutton, nose, lip and tongue rings.

"Some of them had multiple puncture wounds. Men did it too." She would report how interesting the diary entries were.

"I can find no medical reason for someone to do this. It appears to be purely a vanity issue."

She would also report on the body art. "Some people allowed tattoo artists, as they were called, to paint pictures on them, again with needles. Many seemed to take the subtle approach, but some covered themselves with body art."

As I thought about this woman who would write about us so many years in the future, I was pulling off my Solar nails. This made me think of corsets. Wasn't that about hundred years ago? And wasn't it crazy that women wore them?

Okay, so the corset deal was a lot worse. Right? You should see my nails! Oops. I just pulled off the top layer.

And then I start thinking about my week.

"I have an event to attend. I have to get my nails done. I’m serious."

These thoughts are running through my head. "I shouldn’t get my nails done on Monday. I need to allow more time to heal. Ouch! My nails are tender to the touch."

I'm still thinking, but now I'm talking out loud: "Gotta do them. Gotta get them done. I can’t go without the nails. Look at these nails. It will not hurt too badly. I’ll tell them to go easy. Gotta have my nails."

And then it hits me. "Oh no. The roots are showing."

Allyn Evans

http://www.allynevans.com/

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Following Your Heart

In my latest book for mothers of tweens, Helping Our Daughters Live Powerful Lives, I take a lesson from the movie Ice Princess. Joan Carlyle, based on her own experiences, believes she knows what’s best for her daughter, Casey.

As an academician Joan has always pushed Casey in a similar direction. In the beginning her daughter plays along.

Near the end of the movie Casey tells a Harvard interviewer she must chase another dream.

Finally Casey realizes it is her heart that must decide what to do with her life...not her mom. She withdraws her name from consideration and has to break the bad news to her mother. Her mother doesn't take the news well.

They had worked so hard on this dream.

Harvard is it. Harvard is Casey’s ticket to her future. Casey, though, has a different dream. Casey is an ice skater.

“Casey, you can’t do this,” her mom says. “You are giving up on your dream.”

“No mom,” Casey says, “I’m giving up on yours.”

In a Judging Amy TV episode, Judge Amy is upset with Lauren, her pre-teen daughter. Lauren wants to try out for the cheerleading team. Judge Amy is dead set against it.

She says no, and gives no good reason for her decision.

She seems harsh and uncaring.

As I watched, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. Later we find out Judge Amy had not made her squad and felt rejected by her cheerleading peers.

To Judge Amy, cheerleaders were snobby and cruel. She wants to protect Lauren from a similar scenario. Lauren’s experience is different. To her, the cheerleaders are friendly and accepting.

It’s hard for others to not let their own hurts and pains color their recommendations and decisions. The bottom line is there are many, many people with many, many opinions, ideas, suggestions, laws and recommendations about how we should behave or act. No one else on the face of this planet—not even loved ones with best intentions—can take into consideration all the factors of a person striving to make decisions and to reach personal goals.

When we attempt to listen to well-meaning authority or support figures in our lives, we tend to get lost. What they might perceive as a “safe” bet, like Joan Carlyle, might be anything but for us.

As I tell my workshop participants, “You are the one that has to wake up to your life everyday.”

Something else I like to include and I'm paraphrasing the words of Caroline Myss. "Take the riskiest path you can find; the safest path is an illusion."

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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A Box Too Small

Over the last few weeks, I have been editing my first book. Yes, the book is getting a face lift! And hopefully will come out error free. Well...at least we'll make a really good go at it.

Below is an excerpt that is in keeping with our current theme.

I wanted to share with you because I thought it might be helpful for those of you still struggling with the "next" step.

Dream Excerpted from My Journal

As I was finishing up the duties assigned to me in my old life, I had a very revealing dream. A former boss opened his office door and asked me to look at the small box in the corner.

His office was completely empty except for this box that resembled a standard mailbox. He said, “Allyn, I want you to fit yourself in that box while I’m gone.” I agreed and said that I would do it for him. He closed the door and left.

I tried for a long time to fit myself in that small box but couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried the box just wasn’t big enough.

Marsha Sinetar, well-known career consultant and author once said, “Maybe this narrowing of life—the eroding of interests and hope—could be likened to being cooped up in a room that’s too small…The only thing that’s stopping you is you.”

How true both her thoughts and my dream turned out to be. My final breaking point was at the pinnacle of my professional life. Three months after being named in the "dream job" position, I declared, “No more!”

The pay was fabulous and the position was definitely good for my ego, but the job was choking the life right out of me. Adding to the pressure, I now had a two-year-old daughter that I suddenly had no energy to care for. It was all too much and with deep regret, I realized I had just eaten the wrong carrot.

The journey to finding what I was really looking for wasn’t over yet, but I was sure the heavens rejoiced—I finally got some of the message. Immediately I took back a part-time job I had at the college while I regrouped and rested.

Within fourteen months, I had started a home-based business and was making almost as much as I had made with my former job minus headaches, stress and fatigue. The business, a résumé writing and career consulting startup, was a perfect match.

I knew everything about preparing marketing materials, interviewing and convincing an employer to hire me. My knowledge came from my own experiences, numerous interviews and books. I emerged from all those seemingly dead-end paths as a career consultant. I had a tried and proven means to make money that was very practical and inexpensive to launch.

Besides that, I enjoyed the work and relished the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter.
After two years, though, the thought of writing another résumé from scratch was nauseating. To change things up a little, I added grant writing—finding a fairly easy way to add more money to my bottom line. That decision prolonged my home-based business for another six months, but by the time my daughter was scheduled to go to school full-time, I knew I had to change things.

Not interested in returning to a traditional job or a boss, I sought consulting jobs—short-term contracts and commitments.

As luck would have it, a nonprofit company needed an Interim Executive Director to fill in for nine months. I had the skills and was hired.

A deal was quickly sealed. The contract was part-time, but still provided the share that I needed to contribute to the family income. With income covered, I dropped all my other contracts with résumé and grant writers. I focused on myself. Finally, I was ready to follow my heart. But first, I had to figure out what my heart wanted.

It's my hope that you too can find a way to listen to your heart. Next post, I'll give suggestions on how to do just that.

Allyn Evans
email me!

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Escaping the Fog of Confusion

There’s a book I read a couple of years back by Maria Nemeth titled Mastering Life's Energies. (Incase you are wondering, I am not affiliated with Maria's program.) And it’s also a book I recently sent to a friend who is struggling with the “what now” question. My friend is not happy at work and knows there is something more she is to be doing.

While reading one of her emails, I remembered the book and how it helped me. Then I mailed it to her.

And then as is typical for me, I accidentally ran across an article I wrote for subscribers to my Queen-zine two years ago. I want to share that article with you today.

In 2007, I wrote…

In the book Maria asks us, “Are you willing to live your life with clarity, focus, ease and grace?” Do I see a showing of hands? My hand is up. Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s my plan. For the most part, since writing my first book, I have created an easy life for myself.

Check off ease. But what about the other three?

Let’s take clarity—something I haven’t had for about nine months. Actually, I relate the “derailing” to my juror experience. Let's just say, the experience was NOT a good one. If you are curious, click here:
This turned into an Amazon Short article. It costs .49 to purchase and read.

That’s when the fog rolled in. Living in fog made me do some bad things (got to blame something or somebody besides me, right?). Being confused meant I made commitments I couldn’t keep. I found myself doing something I rarely did in the past. I broke promises. More times than not, what I thought was a new direction was a step off course. I corrected and adjusted, saying I'm sorry as I plodded along, but still I couldn’t ‘see’. Maria calls it “driving in the fog”.

I continued on anyway trusting something that Maria also says, “When you see clearly what is before you, you will know in your heart what to do.”

But first, I stopped making promises. Obviously, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make commitments. When you are “driving in fog,” you can be misled by invitations that seem exciting, lucrative or safe simply because when fog sets in your intuitive abilities usually diminish. You go after things for “obvious” reasons and use logic to explain why you are doing something.

Using this method gets you to do crazy things like: fall for the “get-rich-quick” scheme, “take-the-full-time-position-because-at-least-you’ll-have-money-even-if-you-hate-it” job, or “you-are-crazy-not-to-do-this-because-you-will-miss-out-on-the-gravy-train” opportunity. While “driving in fog” you are more likely to make bad choices. Period. The End. If you are “driving in fog”, it’s time to cease and desist embarking on new endeavors until clarity returns.

How do you solve the “not-seeing-clearly” problem? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask. :) It took me months to overcome the recent storm. But this storm was different. This time I was not tortured by my old fears of the past like:

1. Can I make or create something?
2. What am I supposed to do with my life?
3. How will I earn enough to eat?

Those are issues, I have mastered and overcome. If you are still hanging around in that territory, it’s okay. You can learn to overcome too. Read books! That’s how I absorbed most of my information. I have a recommended reading list. http://allynevans.blogspot.com/2006/11/about-me.html

If you don't want to buy any of the books, that's okay. Ask your librarian to order them (if they are not in stock at your library). This way others will benefit too and it doesn't cost you a dime.

But I disgress...

Let's return to the original question. How do you resolve the "not-seeing-clearly" problem?

Easier said than done. For most of us, it's about waiting. I usually chalk fog experiences up to bad timing or the need to wait. It can also be caused by not having all the facts or because you are not sure how you feel about something. Basically, you are in a holding pattern as you wait for all the pieces to come together.

So what are you to do? Besides waiting, you spend time contemplating and dreaming. You pay attention to everything that is around you, including your nightly messengers (dreams). And you keep waiting.

BACK TO THE STORY…

Just like most people, I felt frustrated by my lack of clarity. I knew eventually the fog would lift. It always does. But I also realized moving forward wasn't the right move. So, what did I do while waiting? I focused on “present moment” living. And in my spare time I read books. I searched for answers and teachers.

And one day the fog lifted. The day was September 21, 2007.

NEXT TIME…I’ll give you an update on 2009.

P.S. If you want to check out my Amazon Short about my juror experience—you know the experience that kicked off the downward spiral—feel free to do so. They cost 49 cents. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the stories by other Amazon Short authors. It’s a wide offering of fiction and nonfiction. Plus you can’t beat the price!

Here’s the link, if you are interested. I’ve been told by reviewers that it is also a good lesson for parents and children.

Allyn Evans

www.allynevans.com

I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD

Today's featured guest is Chynna T. Laird. Chynna is the author of "I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD." To learn more about Chynna visit her websites: http://www.lilywolfwords.ca/ and http://www.lilywolfwords.blogspot.com/.

Enjoy her article posted below. We both love comments, feedback and questions.

My Sensational Child

When Jaimie was two-and-a half, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

We were both relieved and frustrated.

Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.

But we watched our daughter slowly slip away from us since she was three months old and knew something was wrong. She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.

We couldn’t take her anywhere too busy/loud/smelly/bright/etc. or she broke down or froze. Her diagnosis was a relief, then, because we finally had a name for what Jaimie struggled with. But it was still a relatively unknown disorder so we couldn’t get the right support. That was the frustrating part.

Before the SPD diagnosis, we fought to have people listen to us…to see that what Jaimie struggled with was deeper than just her reactions to things or her overt behaviour.

Something in her tiny little body made her fearful of the world around her and we refused to accept that it was “normal” or “spiritedness” and there just had to be other parents out there like us wondering, hurting and researching.

A lot of people call SPD an “invisible disorder” because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.

But Jaimie is real and so is her SPD. That’s why I chose to talk about our experiences with SPD—to reach out…to, maybe, help other families feel a bit better and less alone.

Since Jaimie was going for therapy, learning how to cope with her world and the people in it, shouldn’t those people in her world learn how to interact with her?

She’s like the other children around her in many ways. She loves drawing, crafting and going to the park. She loves swimming and playing with her siblings. And, boy, does she love learning. She just does things a bit differently. And that’s okay.

Jaimie is six-and-a half now and going into first grade in the fall. She still has a lot of the same struggles but she’s come a long way. What’s helped is the love and support she’s gotten from those around her. Knowledge is so important because it fosters understanding and that’s all we want for these children.

I may not be able to adjust the world to help Jaimie feel safe or hold her to make her feel better but I can teach others how the world feels to her and I can give her the tools to talk about it. After all, Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl—and she’s not invisible and neither is SPD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chynna Laird is a psychology student, freelance writer and author living in Edmonton, Alberta with her three daughters [Jaimie (six), Jordhan (four), and baby Sophie (one)] and baby boy, Xander (two and a half). Her passion is helping children and families living with Sensory Processing Disorder and other special needs.

You’ll find her work in many online and in-print parenting, inspirational, Christian and writing publications in Canada, United States, Australia, and Britain. She’s most proud of her children’s picture book, "I’m Not Weird: I Have SPD," which she wrote for Jaimie. In addition, she’ll have a memoir about raising a child with SPD out in August 2009 and a reference book about the Sensory Diet coming January 2010.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to WOW! Women on Writing for providing the introduction.
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Whether you’re going on a business trip or a get-away with friends, unraveling yourself is hard if you are a caregiver. You must make arrangements for everything from who’s picking up Johnny or who’s dropping off Suzie, to planning what Johnny and Suzie are going to eat.

When I was trying to pull the pieces together for a March trip, I almost threw in the towel. I almost cancelled.

I went, but separation drama continued even after I reached my destination. Adding to my stress, my dogs had become escape artists soon after I left. My husband was out of town and I had to resolve the “dog break” incident from afar, all the time wondering, “What was I thinking?”

I am lucky. I have lots of support. My long-time friend with three kids under 13, a pressure-filled job and not-so-supportive husband emailed me a week before our scheduled departure, saying, “It’s not going to work. Too much to sort out. Better go without me.”

I understood. I questioned my own ability to go.

At just the right time, I read something written by a young mother. “Picture a white horse, mane in the breeze, splashing through rivers. Now imagine that same horse curled up in a ball in the corner of a shadowy stall. That horse is me,” she said.

She wrote she loved her current life and understood the role she was playing, but still she pined for the woman she had been: “I used to be the girl who spent midnights dancing around my car at red lights. I can’t remember the last time I was in a car without kids. I used to be outgoing and fun. Now I'm just settled and quiet. I used to help autistic kids. Now I barely see my own sister.”Her essay reminded me of myself only a decade ago. There were moments when it felt like I would be a mother of an infant forever.

Horse Lady said more: “I've been tamed, like a wild horse stuck in a muddy stall. Tamed by life. Routine. I'm not a routine person. I like change and messy spontaneity. I like the freedom to run when I want to, and not be held back by so many to-do's. I miss writing poetry and stories every day with enough passion to cover the globe. Too much to do. Work. Cleaning. Cooking. Babies. Maintaining our business.”

I had been there, slap dab in the middle of life as a caregiver. Though I still am, I’m no longer so deeply entrenched. I wanted to tell her that she could find herself again. I wanted to tell her with each passing birthday it does get easier and less labor intensive. I also wanted to encourage her to put “life” and “dreams” back into the formula—even if on a very small scale. The mistake caregivers make is giving up all desires and dreams while giving everything to duty, routine. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, though it might be less of “own life” and “dreams” than at other times.

Reading this article helped me stick to my guns. I went on the trip despite the headaches and mixed feelings. Though it took some effort, it was time for me to step out on my own.

And it was well worth the effort.

We must remember our children aren’t just looking to us for transportation and meals. They are learning life is more than a to-do list, that there are times even for grown-ups to leave the stable and run on their own.

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